The Completely True Canon of Death Note
by TheCatchingLightAlchemist
Summary: What's Light reading? Why is Mello crossdressing? A shinigami talk show? Misa's pregnant? Oh wait she's just fat. All the canon we KNOW happened but the authors scrapped due to it "messing up the mood." Whatever that means.
1. Quality Literature

Light gasped loudly, his brow furrowed and he quickly turned the page, reading as quickly as possible.

L rolled his eyes. Light had been like this for the past hour or so. Ever since Matsuda had slipped him a suspicious looking package… But was this really important? Watari had spoken to him about being paranoid.

'_One more chance'_ L thought. _'One more gasp and I'm completely justified in my reaction…'_

L's patience was rewarded about two minutes later with a large gasp coming from the boy handcuffed to him. L rolled the chair he was currently perched on over to the engrossed teen.

"What are you reading, Light-kun?" L asked innocently.

Light shut the book with an audible slam.

"NOTHING RYUZAKI!" Light answered loudly, his cheeks a bright red. L noticed the book was written Western style. He managed to make out the word "irrevocably" on the back cover before Light hid the book behind his back.

"Then let me see the book, Light-kun."

"NO!"

"Now, Light-kun."

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

Light was seriously regretting his choice of words when L had pinned him to the ground and was now sitting on him in his weird crouched pose. L turned the book over and read the title.

"…."

"…."

"Twilight, Light-kun?"

"IT HAD AN APPLE ON THE FRONT!"

"This drivel was written for hormonal teenage girls."

"IT'S QUALITY LITERATURE!"

~Author's Note~

Obviously these are completely inaccurate snippets my brain spawned. Basically don't believe anything written here. None of it happened.


	2. The Straight Thing To Do

The cigarette fell from Matt's open mouth as he stared in horror at his best friend. Mello stared right back; a scowl painted on his face along with what appeared to be cherry red lip gloss. Matt couldn't help his gaze from slowly dropping down from Mello's face to the red slinky dress he had slipped on, all the way down to the stiletto high heels.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Matt asked, choking slightly on the words.

"It's a dress, dumb-ass."

Matt blinked at him. That was clearly not the issue.

"WHY?"

"Because I'm gonna fuck myself. And I can't do it dressed as a guy. That's just gay."

"Yes Mells. Because that's the straight thing to do."

~Author's Note~

Oh Mells. I don't find you feminine in the slightest but your hair combined with Matt's attractiveness makes it too easy.


	3. Daytime Television

"_So," the host began, "this week we've got a real treat for you. An actual shinigami!" _

_The audience applauds, albeit warily._

"_Thanks!" the shinigami answered in a raspy voice. "Call me Ryuk!"_

"_So Ryuk, you're a god of death, correct?"_

"_Oh yeah." The spindly being takes a bite out of a large crimson apple._

"_I don't suppose you've ever killed someone before?"_

"_All the time." _

_This prompts worried murmurs from the audience._

"_There have been rumors you're connected with Kira, if this true?"_

"_Well yeah. I mean who do you think gave the brat the ability to kill? He's got such a pretentious name too. I mean who names their kid Li-"_

* * *

The screen goes black.

"Heh. What nonsense, eh Ryuzaki?"

"…one hundred percent, Light-kun."

~Author's Note~

Don't worry. There's a rule in the death note that states, "If a shinigami were to appear on television in an attempt to sell out their owner, the shinigami is clearly visible to both members of the live studio audience, host, and all watching the program." Look it up. I dare you.


	4. Fat

"Dad? Can I ask you a question?" Light inquired nervously.

"Of course, Light. What is it?" Soichiro answered back.

"Well…this a purely hypothetical question…but what would your reaction be if I impregnated Misa?" Light asked, flinching.

"This is purely hypothetical?"

"Of course!" Light assured.

Soichiro seemed to consider it. "Well, I suppose I would be disappointed in you. You would have to get a job to help support her and you'd have to move in together…"

"But that's it?" Light asked in disbelief.

"You'd have to marry her as well."

"…"

"Light?"

"…"

"Light?"

"…"

"LIGHT!"

Soichiro was quite sure that the twitch above Light's right eye was not a good sign.

* * *

"LIIIIIIIGHT!" Misa squawked. "I've decided to name the baby after you!"

"Misa, you're not pregnant."

"I'm not?" Misa asked in confusion.

" No," Light said firmly. "You're just fat."

~Author's Note~

Misa's fat. End of story.


	5. Little Orphan Mattie

Mello hummed while he flipped through a magazine.

Matt twitched, but continued playing his game. He WOULD ignore Mello. He would. He swore to God he would. No, he swore to Mario. No, he swore to mother fucking Princess Peach. That's right. Shit was serious.

Until Mello began singing quietly under his breath.

SCREW IT.

"MELLO! FOR THE LAST TIME! I AM NOT TRYING OUT FOR THE BLOODY MUSICAL!"

"Oh come on! You're a fucking redheaded orphan aren't you?"

"I AM NOT TRYING OUT FOR ANNIE!"

~Author's Note~

I really can't justify any of these.


	6. Of Rainbows and Light's Ass

"That's another lead down the drain," Light said in frustration. "We're not getting anywhere."

"That's not true," Soichiro comforted.

"It is!" Light yelled almost on the verge of tearing his beautiful locks of shining hair from his narcissistic genius head. "Look, even Ryuzaki has given up!" Light gestured to a very depressed L who was currently trying to drown his miseries in cake and strawberry flavored liquor.

"Don't yell at me Light-kun," L mumbled around a bottle.

"I'll yell at you as much as I want! You're the one who keeps getting," Light sputtered his face reddening. "…frisky," he finally forced out, "when we're alone because you're so boozed out!"

L blinked blankly at him. "Don't pretend you don't enjoy it."

Light stood grabbing L by his collar, the chain connecting them clinking ominously. Light pulled his fist back while Aizawa, Mogi and Soichiro all clutched each other in fear.

"YOU BA-"

"NOOOOOO. DON'T FIGHT!" Matsuda interrupted appearing out of the ground between the two and pushing them a part which really was sort of pointless because the chain connecting them prevented them from really separating.

"I know it's hard," Matsuda said with tears in his eyes. "I know sometimes what we're doing seems impossible and that we'll never catch Kira. BUT WE HAVE TO!" Matsuda said passionately. "WHO ELSE WILL?"

Everyone regarded him with faint annoyance.

"We just have to keep trying, just like Ryuzaki will keep trying to tap Light-kun's ass-"

"HEY!"

"-and eventually we'll succeed. If we all just work together-"

An ominous rumbling began.

"NOT AGAIN!" Mogi cried hysterically because Mogi is clearly a flighty nervous broad like that. "TAKE COVER!"

"-and believe we can do it! AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS AND-"

Light and L hid beneath their desk, L using the opportunity to feel Light up while Light cried into his shirt.

"-CUPCAKES AND SPRINKLES AND PUPPIES-"

The rumbling grew louder and Soichiro, Aizawa, and Mogi all hid under their desks as well.

"-AND KAWAII DESU DESU MOE MOE SPARKLE KAWAII DESU MOE DESU DESU-"

The end was nigh.

"KAWA-"

It fountained from his mouth speeding towards the ceiling before arcing back towards the ground. The task force could only stare in horror at the mass of liquid color that fueled Matsuda's constant optimism exploded from his body, covering every pristine surface with its gelatinous jellybean like colors.

That's right.

Matsuda threw up a rainbow.

The stream finally stopped and the last drops finally hit the ground signaling the end of the horror.

"…"

"…"

"GOD DAMNIT MATSUDA!"

"WAAAAAHH! I'M SORRY"

"NOT AGAIN!"

"RYUZAKI, STOP FEELING UP MY ASS!"

~Author's Note~

Matsuda can barf up rainbows. He's prone to doing it while watching MLP: Friendship is Magic.


	7. Dream Girl

Dream Girl

"Matt," Mello began nonchalantly, "what would your dream girl be like?"

"My dream girl?" Matt put the DS considering for a moment. He turned to face Mello. "I guess she'd have to be crazy smart." Matt shifted closer to Mello. "Real strong and independent." Closer. "I like blondes." _Closer. _"And it's kinda hot when she can look feminine or masculine." _**Closer.**_

Matt's face was inches from Mello's, his breath grazing the other's cheek.

_ "Do you know who my dream girl is, Mells?"_ Matt whispered

Mello shivered and replied, "Is it m-"

"It's Zelda, Mello." Matt said firmly, still in Mello's face. "Zelda is my dream girl."

Matt's resulting black eye lasted for the next two weeks.

* * *

Author's Note

I am alive. Surprise.

Also when Matt is referring Zelda being masculine or feminine he is thinking of her as Sheik.


End file.
